am i hungry or bored?
my most recent label that i've applied to myself during class is hungry. but i'm not hungry until seven minutes into my second class. and then it hits me like a train. i can't focus. i try and distract myself from thinking about food but all the while, the girl behind me is chowing down on her celery and peanut butter. man. that sounds so good. and then the internal battle begins. you don't even like celery. yeah, but i might right now. i'm SOOOO hungry! why didn't you remember to grab your lunch box today? then the boy next to me pulls out his daily skittles and fruit snacks. i groan inwardly. i lovvvvve skittles. maybe i should just go buy some skittles from the vending machine. no, i can't do that every day! i have things i'm saving for!
this happens literally every. single. day. but today i realized something. i might not actually be hungry. i might just be bored. i don't get hungry in my ASL class. i don't get hungry while i'm perusing through pinterest or checking instagram. but i get bored when i'm supposed to be rewriting the paper i've rewritten six times already and my grade hasn't changed at all. i get bored when i read my textbooks. i get bored when i'm waiting for my next class.
my problem isn't that i eat when i'm bored. that's not the problem at all. the problem is that instead of being responsible and packing myself food that is ten hundred thousand times cheaper and better for me (well, better for me is debatable... i'm not the hugest fan of actual food. i like snacks... okay, ya caught me. i LOVVVVE snacks.)... i buy vending machine food. or food from the food court. or i simply don't eat at all.
being a disciplined, responsible adult is so hard sometimes. i have to wake myself up on time. i have to make myself food in the mornings. i have to do my own laundry. i have to keep my apartment clean. i have to make sure i do my homework and turn it in on time. i have to go grocery shopping. i have to pay rent and utilities. i have to schedule my own appointments and go to them. i have to make sure there is money in my bank account and when there's not-- i have to tell myself no.
all of these things are such a bummer at times. they sure can cramp my style. but sadie five years ago would have given ANYTHING to be at this point in my life. why? because she took EVERYTHING for granted. little did she know how awesome her mom was/is for doing her laundry all through high school. little did she know that waking up ten minutes early to pack a lunch would feel something similar to death after staying out late. little did she know LIFE COSTS A BILLION DOLLARS and she had it SO easy when she didn't have to pay for anything and her summer job money was just play money and that every time she paid for gas or food or housing or schooling in the future she would die a little inside because everything she paid for was necessary but NEVER fun to spend her hard earned money on. little did she know that cleaning an apartment to her mom's standard (and her own-- because she just expected that as a kid) took days; literal days and a lot of hard work. little did she know that her idea of "hard work" wasn't really that hard.
however, with all of these new responsibilities, has come a LOT of new blessings. i don't feel lazy when i wake up on time. i feel like a real grown up when I make my car payments or pay my rent. i have found a weird sense of peace in doing laundry. i get to make my own schedule. I feel like an adult when I do things on my own. I feel like a grown up when i do things i dread-- like calling the bank to ask for a refund on my overdraft fees or like making my own doctor appointments and going in all by myself. i love these new things because it means one thing.
i sometimes haaaaate these things. i want to be a kid again and have no worries or cares in the world. i want to go back to being a missionary where my only responsibilities were to be obedient and teach the gospel. i want to go back to just working part-time and having days off for adventures. but i know that one day, i don't want to look back and wish that i had finished my degree. i don't want to look back and ask myself, "why did i worry about those things so much? why didn't i go hiking more? why didn't i take spontaneous trips to california to visit my sisters? why didn't i just enjoy my early 20's?"
i'm learning a lot about spontaneous fun while still being responsible. it's hard. it take discipline. sometimes it even takes waking up at 5:30 in the morning to finish an assignment before class. but this is the time for those adventures. this is my last chance to "be a kid" before i have a mortgage and my own kids to worry about. this is the time of my life. does that mean be selfish and do only things i want to do? not at all. but it does mean i need to have fun and stress less. along with all those other responsibilities as an adult, i also choose my own happiness.
so here's to being happy for the responsibilities i wanted so badly in my youth. i'm literally living my day dreams and i'm so excited for that!