sometimes, i just have to write. when i have lots of feelings inside me, the only way i can get them out is to write. & it's kind of weird because sometimes i can feel the itch to write, but i'm not quite ready for whatever's going to come out, so i just wait & hold it in until i'm ready to just let it out.
& sometimes, i write for the future. like this post, for instance, i started writing this post on march 22, 2018 & honestly, i don't know when it will be published. because at this moment in time, i'm just not sure when i will be ready to share these details.
this cycle of treatments has really played with my emotions. i took my medication diligently & we had our second ultrasound a while ago. let me be clear here: you have LOTS of ultrasounds when you're infertile. that doesn't mean there's a baby inside you. in fact, they're not expecting a baby when they give you an ultrasound. kinda depressing when you think about it. but anyway, i had my second ultrasound of this round & things looked good!! we're set to continue the cycle soon & honestly, i am meeeeedium terrified. i mean obviously we want a baby, but it actually feels real right now. like it could happen this cycle. when the doctors were telling us the process & about our chances, i felt hope.
it seems so stupid to put the word hope into italics, but i honestly haven't felt that feeling much lately. we've been in such a routine of failure (when it comes to baby banks) that hope just isn't something i feel very often. i can tell you what i do feel & have felt a lot of. discouragement, fear, hopelessness, sadness, numbness, negativity, quitterness (yep, just made that up, but it's a real feeling). just a whole lotta bummer feelings.
this has been such a weirdo path to be on because i've never really lost hope before. i don't like to give up. i like things that are challenging. but this. this has pushed me past my breaking point. i've been ready to throw in the towel more than once. especially in the last two months. & especially right after we paid for this treatment in full. (to those who have to do ivf/adopt, bless your souls & your bank accounts. i hope your miracles come FAST)
i told parker i wanted to quit. i told him i was done. i told him i couldn't do it anymore. & honestly, that feeling hasn't gone away. the doctor appointments aren't a ton of fun. they're super personal. they cost a lot of money. we spend our savings every month on them. they're stressful & make me super emotional. i cry a lot. (but let's be real, i just cry a lot always) it's hard to want to keep going.
BUT i believe that it will be worth it. i believe that having babies is so important & is something that i want & am supposed to do in my life. i know that parker will legitimately be the BEST dad in the whole world & honestly, he's the reason i'm still in this game. i want to see him as a dad. i want to see him take our little fellas to their first basketball game. i want to see him sit at a princess tea party with our cute baby girls. i want to watch him play in the backyard with our littles. i want to watch him love on our babies every day when he gets home from work. he deserves to be a dad & i know when the day comes, he'll be the best dad there ever was.
so if you're stuck in the trenches of infertility & you feel like giving up, you're in good company. you're not alone. i hope you find your hope & your why. i hope you have the endurance to keep going. i hope your miracle comes soon.
UPDATED ON MARCH 27th.
before you ask, we don't know if it worked yet. & when we do find out, we'll talk about it when we are ready or when we feel the time is right.
i just really felt like i needed to post this tonight. i'm feeling hopeful & happy. & i want people to know that if they're in this battle: there are good days. it's okay to have good days. hold on to the good days & the good feelings for as long as you can. write down the happy days & come back to them when you're having a hard day.
mostly, just know that you're loved & that there is a method to the madness. there is a plan. i know it. keep fighting. & seriously girl, if you ever need anything, feel free to reach out, we'll get ice cream or have a girls' night or something.