To start, I just want to clarify that I am not more grateful than you to be pregnant, I am simply more grateful than i would have been had the road to pregnancy been an easy one for me.
About two years into my journey with infertility, I began sharing more publicly about what the journey was like and how friends on the outside could help. I began getting a lot more followers who were in the TTC (trying to conceive) community and infertility became a normal subject of conversation on my Instagram and blog. I had grown a community of women who were in very similar situations as I was. And as part of this journey, feeling bitter towards women who are pregnant is a very real feeling. I became worried that the community I had built would fall apart should we get pregnant or should I discuss pregnancy in any way on my blog or instagram. When we were contacted by our Fertility Clinic about a Clinical Study that we might possibly qualify for, the reality of getting pregnant in the near-ish future became a very scary thought.
You see, I felt torn between wanting to be STOKED that pregnancy was a possibility and sad because I knew what pregnancy announcements felt like. I knew that hurt. So I thought about what I would do if I got pregnant and was able to carry my baby to term and have a baby in the future. And I decided that I would refuse to take any second of that baby's life for granted. I would celebrate the experience of pregnancy. I would document the pregnancy, the birth, the baby's life. I would share the good. I would use the hard parts to empathize. And I would try to enjoy every minute.
Now that the time has come where I have the opportunity to do exactly that, I can say confidently that because of my infertility journey, I am so grateful for every little moment of pregnancy. Even the hard ones (because there are hard moments!). I am humbled every day by what my body is doing and by the little tiny human inside. I am reminded that there is a time and season for everything-- this season of pregnancy has shown me the importance of REST. I am filled with gratitude for modern medicine, doctors that care, and technology that makes FREEZING EMBRYOS possible.
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I still worry every day about miscarriage, early labor, dying in childbirth (real fear, friends. real fear.) and all of the things that COULD go wrong. It's been a journey to learn to trust my body to do its thing. (Because, you know, it couldn't do its thing in the first place) But every day as those fears come, I hear them out for a minute and then say a few affirmations, say a quick prayer and move forward because living in those fears only steals the joy and excitement of this pregnancy and I refuse to let that happen.
I've grown in respect for all of the infertility warriors that have come before me, the ones that are still fighting, and the ones that will go through this. That journey is not an easy one and sticking through to the end takes courage, endurance and unending hope. I've grown in respect for all of the mothers that have come before me. The amount of love, patience and perseverance that results due to this journey is mind blowing.
Because of these experiences, I cannot take for granted the gift and opportunity I've been given. A gift and opportunity that I am no more deserving than the next family who is TTC. Let me make that clear: we are no more deserving of this pregnancy or baby than any other family who wants a baby. I feel incredibly blessed and so, so grateful for this experience and because of that: I refuse to take this for granted.