it's early sunday morning. i'm the only one awake in the house... well besides mack. (i'm fairly certain he doesn't sleep...) the house is quiet. i turned the christmas lights on just so i could sit alone in their happiness. the only thing that would make this scene more magical are these two things: 1. snow falling outside and 2. a sweet baby to cuddle. while we might be able to have some falling snow this christmas, we won't be announcing a pregnancy or bringing a baby into our home.
i've had quite a few people ask us about where we're at in our journey and what's going on, so here's an update i've been dreading to share.
we took a break from trying for the holidays. in september, when our round of infertility treatments didn't produce the results we were desperately hoping they would, we decided that taking a break would be our best option until the new year. i was devastated by the negative result (to say the least) and hearing, "call us again in a few days and we will start over" was too much for me. i needed a break. i needed to find my faith again. i needed to enjoy life. i needed to go through the holidays without the stress of hoping that i was pregnant.
i needed to take a break. and you know what? that's okay.
we were told at the beginning of our journey that taking breaks from trying was okay. (thank you, sweet soul who gave us this permission) while you're navigating infertility, your brain tells you dumb things like, "if we don't try this month... THIS might be THE month..." or "if i don't try this month, someone else could announce their pregnancy & that's one less baby in heaven for me..." (as if there's a limited quantity & heaven is running out of inventory) or "if we don't continuously try, people are going to think we're not serious about having babies & just being dramatic."
to all of these insecurities i say, BOGUS. even if ALL of those things are true-- i hope that one day when i do get pregnant that i will be able to be at peace & so excited. rather than anxious about how long it took or stressed about what could go wrong.
the last 22 months have been a blur. i feel as though i've felt every emotion on the emotion spectrum. but being able to enjoy the last two months with minimal stress (do you ever stop worrying about this?) in the infertility department of my brain has been completely refreshing. we've really tried to focus on what brings us joy & makes us truly happy right now. spending ample amounts of time with our families, putting up christmas decorations, playing with mack, working (i truly enjoy working...), playing games (parker's fave), exploring salt lake & simply relaxing have helped both of us be able to slow down & smell the roses in our lives. we are so blessed & are so grateful for the wonderful people in our lives who continue to support us day in & day out.
please be aware: we are NOT giving up. we are just simply taking a break. we will try again soon. but until then, we are taking this process day by day and month by month.
to our dear sweet babies,
i am so, so excited for you to come. i know that you'll make our lives 100% more crazy but 100% more full of love. i'm learning to be patient in waiting for you, which hopefully means that once you get here, i'll be more patient with you. i'm continually learning to rely on our Savior; this is something i seem to have to keep trying at, but i know that when i figure it out, it'll help me to be a better mom.
we're learning how to make room in our lives for you. (both physically & mentally) when you do get to come into our lives, we want to make sure we've prepared the best we can so that you can live your best life. we're trying to sort out our weaknesses & shortcomings so that you can have a happy life.
we're slowly getting better at waiting for you. some days it seems like the day you enter our lives will never come & other days i get so nervous because it feels so close. this season of life will never again be, so we are learning to enjoy it while it is here.
we pray for you every single day, out loud & in our hearts. & we can't wait to meet you.