i posted a little snippet of feelings from this weekend on instagram.
"but if not, God is still good."
while we were in the temple on friday, for my brother's sealing, the sealer spoke to them about the commandment to multiply & replenish the earth. he said something along the lines of, "some people are blessed with 4 kids, 8 kids, or 15 kids..." while he spoke of all of the people who are blessed with multiple children, my heart & mind pleaded for SOMETHING to be said about those with none. i kept thinking over & over, "yeah, but what about those people who have none? does the Lord not trust me with His children?" and then the sealer said, "& some people have 0 kids. & they spend this life trying to figure out what God needs them to do with their talents & how they can help others."
luckily, i didn't have a ton of time to dwell on that too much over the weekend, but it has just run through my mind over & over again during all of the quiet moments that have come along. & while i am still feeling a little broken & sad, Heavenly Father gave me a glimpse of His love for me when He answered a portion of the pleadings of my heart in that sealing room on friday afternoon.
i am so grateful that Heavenly Father gave me parker to go through this trial. he truly has held me at my weakest & loved me through all of my tears & crazy moments. i got myself a good one.
as i've continued to ponder about these things, i read the talk, "accepting the Lord's will and timing" by elder david a. bednar from the august 2016 ensign. there were so many quotes from that article that stood out to me, and while i won't share all of those, i will recommend reading that article. (i have linked it a few times)
growing up, i never really imagined struggling to start a family. i always just figured that it would be super simple--get married, pray to find out if it's time to have babies, receive an answer, get pregnant, and then just repeat steps 2-4 over and over until we felt like our family was complete. simple. easy. quick.
i had never thought that there would be days that were dark. or that sometimes attending church would be difficult. that it was possible to feel completely happy and completely broken at the same time. that i would dread pregnancy announcements or birth announcements.
in my young mind, i never thought that trials would actually happen. growing up, i watched a lot of different people struggle through REALLY HARD things. but my life was particularly easy going and blessed. so i figured my life's trial was learning to empathize and sympathize with those who were "truly struggling."
but i guess that's how it goes, right? daydreams are always the best case scenarios.
when month six of trying to have a baby rolled around, i became discouraged and really began to struggle. after hearing over and over again about having joy or being grateful for everything, i felt frustrated. i was trying my best to enjoy the small moments & feel happy, but i was completely broken. i didn't feel joy. i felt jipped and let down. i didn't feel good enough. i felt like there was something wrong with me. i felt forgotten & left behind. and most certainly, i did not feel grateful for my circumstance.
as we were in the temple on friday, surrounded by all of our family, i felt so much joy and happiness, but also so much pain and loss for what may never be for me & parker. and that's okay. i've learned that it is important to feel the emotions that come during our lives. one of the most important parts of the Savior's Atonement was His experience in the Garden of Gethsemane, where He felt everything that you and i have gone through and will go through.
as He felt those things, He pleaded with our Father. He said, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done” (Luke 22:42)
unfortunately, for the Savior, (but so, so fortunate for us) He had to continue-- and He did continue to feel those things. we know why the Savior had to feel those things, so He could know how to help us through our trials, so we can make it back to live with our Heavenly Father again. like the Savior, sometimes our cup or personal Gethsemane is not removed when we ask. the trial continues.
i've often wondered why that is. why Heavenly Father's will includes this continual struggle. but it hit me the other day that God's plan & ultimate goal for me (and you too) is "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." (Moses 1:39) He doesn't remove the cup from us because ultimately that pain and those experiences can help us get back to Him.
He doesn't remove the cup from us because ultimately that pain and those experiences can help us get back to Him.
this lesson has brought me great peace. and although it doesn't change the fact that we are still childless, it reminds me that there IS a plan. an incredible, wonderful, beautiful plan that will bring me and parker the ultimate form of happiness if we continue to live righteously and faithfully. all of the blessings that have been promised to us can and will be. maybe not in our timing, but definitely in His.
maybe one day we will have children, but if not, God is still good.
and today, that's what i trust-- that if not, God is still good. He loves us and has a plan for us. i trusted that plan before i ever got married and today, i trust that plan.
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p.s. thank you to all of my sweet friends and family who have commented and prayed for us over the last year+. we are grateful for your thoughts, prayers and love. as a quick update, we have thought quite a bit about adoption, but as of right now, we are not quite ready for that yet (financially or emotionally). we truly think that adoption is an incredible thing and hope that adopting a sweet child is in God's plan for us. but right now we do not have the means to be able to bring a child into our lives through adoption. (this is not a plea for financial help either, so please do not take it as such)